Madame Web

There has been a lot of talk about this film ever since its first trailer arrived. In the months leading up to its debut, Madame Web has been laughed at, poked fun at, received grim impressions and immediate reactions, and even been compared to Morbius, as the latest failure in Sony's Spider-Man-less universe. Needless to say, this attention has made me incredibly interested in Madame Web, to see whether it holds up as a complete and laughable disaster. You can imagine my disappointment when I discovered that Madame Web isn't hilariously bad, it isn't set to be a cult-classic film that survives the test of time, it's just a poor film that lacks any charisma and charm whatsoever.

The movie takes place around the same time that Peter Parker is born. It's unclear which Peter Parker, and by extension universe, we are talking about, but that's an irrelevant fact, because none of the characters in this film have popped up anywhere else. The narrative revolves around Cassandra Webb (Dakota Johnson), a paramedic living in New York City, who after a near-death experience discovers she is a very powerful clairvoyant. It's around this time that she starts to be haunted by visions of three young girls being hunted and murdered by a deadly adversary. Soon after Cassie is wrapped up in an adventure where she works tirelessly to save the lives of Sydney Sweeney's Julia Cornwall, Isabela Merced's Anya Corazon, and Celeste O'Connor's Mattie Franklin - three young women who are slated to become Spider-People in the future. Cassie's story also sees her learning more about her past and why this villain played by Tahar Rahim is hunting down these three teenage girls.

The plot isn't great but it has its moments. There are clear elements that work here, and as daft as it can be, it's by far the strongest part of Madame Web. It's not a masterpiece in any sense, but the time-altering nature, the way the film approaches the past, present, and future, isn't a complete trainwreck. Sure, it takes no elegance in tying the respective characters together or building a deep and fulfilling narrative with meaningful character development, but compared to the rest of Madame Web, the story is one of its strongest elements.

I say this because the actual performances are miserable. None of the characters come across as memorable, and the villain may go down as one of the worst and least interesting characters in film altogether. His motivations are uninteresting, his dialogue and action pathetic, his presence barely felt. Considering what we've seen from other characters in the Spider-Man world, Rahim's Ezekiel Sims is currently the frontrunner for the worst of them all.

Likewise, the action is tragic. It's not compelling or engaging, it just feels uncomfortable and boring to watch. There's no super nature to this film, in fact I'm still not sure the villain has any significant powers beyond simply being able to crawl on walls because we never see it. He may look like a variant of Spider-Man, but his actions say completely different. This stretches to the brief moments we see the Spider-Girls in action too, and even the very limited use of Madame Web's powers, none of it is exciting, and it says a lot that some of a superhero film's poorest moments come during the action sequences.

Then there's the editing and how this film has been stitched together like a patchwork blanket. Some of the time-shifting elements are handled really well, but then there are moments that jump between locations and scenes out of the blue, making it feel as though there was something hacked out in the middle of them. One moment Madame Web is in New York, next she's in Peru, and there's no transitioning scene, it's just a direct cut between the two locations. It's very jarring to watch.

Still, here's the thing, Madame Web doesn't compare to Morbius because the Jared Leto-led film, as bad as it is, is still entertaining at times. Morbius is the perfect example of a silly and poorly made superhero film, whereas Madame Web is just a poor film in general. To me, this is why it won't garner cult status, because it's not a laughably bad film, this isn't Cats or Jack and Jill. After the near two-hour duration, you leave the movie theatre disappointed in Madame Web, disappointed that you sat through two hours of frankly boring and flat cinema that rarely made you smile, nevermind actually giggle. This is a poor film through and through, and that's that. Another notch in Sony's floundering Spider-Verse belt.